if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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