I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
