i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
