I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
