Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
pop tarts are not kleenex
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize