His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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