i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
