You're my little dorito
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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