We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
