two words: eviction party
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
