Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
