I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
