I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
