I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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