I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
