The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
