I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
