Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize