im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
