TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
