I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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