I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
