John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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