Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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