I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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