i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
