I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
