found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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