why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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