nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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