do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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