If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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