this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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