did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize