Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
