Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
