that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The adults are the big ones right?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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