Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
