38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
