the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
