you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
