he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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