I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
