As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There's always time for handjobs
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
