You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
