It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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