the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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