she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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