I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
