How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
