I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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