I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
