I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
