Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
