i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
