I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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