I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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