Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
