I am puke
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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