I bet he comes in French.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
