I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
