I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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