I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
