tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
