No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
