i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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