just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
