You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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