so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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