the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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