when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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